All I could think of was sugar! Fear….sugar. Sadness…sugar. Nervous…sugar. Joy…sugar. Shame….sugar. From a young age, I was inadvertently taught by my family’s behavior that alcohol and food were tools to manage and temporarily numb feelings,. Daily life stressors, unresolved traumas of childhood emotional abuse , and a pervasive feeling of shame, stemming from the belief “I am not good enough”, compelled me to use sugar as a coping mechanism. I relied on sugar in all of its forms (many of which most people consider “healthy” sugar): honey, agave nectar, dried fruit, natural sugar cane, date sugar etc. At that point, I was in my early twenties and pre-diabetic. I also suffered from an autoimmune condition and had ongoing anxiety caused by chronic stress and an excessive reliance on sugar and carbohydrates.
It was then (in 1998) that I discovered yoga, mindfulness, and somatic practices for resolving stress and trauma. And once I did, I began to uncover one of the hidden but essential keys to overall mind-body wellness –respecting the relationship between your body, mind, and the food you give it for nourishment.
At that time, I was being treating by an acupuncturist who urged me to incorporate a meat based protein into my diet. The thought of this brought intense feelings of shame, fear and guilt. After all, how could a yogini, fully committed to the path, not be a vegetarian? What would other people say? How could I contribute to the maltreatment and killing of another living thing? I had been a vegetarian for years but I was compelled to re-examine my relationship to vegetarianism within the constructs of the yamas and niyamas (the moral and ethical practices in the path of yoga). One of the ethical precepts, ahimsa, means non-harming. Most yogis/yoginis follow this precept as they do not wish to bring harm to any living entity. Another precept, called svadyaya (or self inquiry), asks us to look within and ask questions which may be disturbing or challenging to one’s identity. When I applied the concept of ahimsa to myself, I was able to see how my diet based on the principle of being non-harming, had been so dramatically harming me. The vegetarian diet, which consists of primarily carbohydrates (beans, rice, some starchy veggies, etc.) was contributing to my unsteady blood sugar, sugar cravings, and wobbly emotional state. I knew I had to take action. Only after I had surrendered my own pride and ideas about what makes a “healthy” diet, was I able to honor my current state of health and move forward with faith.
Prayer and ishvaraprhidhana (surrendering my own will to the divine will) helped me gain access to my intuition. Tapas (internal fire, self discipline) allowed me to eliminate sugar in all of its forms) and most carbohydrates from my daily diet until my body and mind had strength and balance. Very soon after I initiated these changes, I began to experience more energy, decreased anxiety, balanced blood sugar and a significant decrease in sugar cravings. Now this diet has become a way of life. The drastic change in the food I ate, along with other somatic healing practices, significantly altered my body’s chemistry and nervous system. I learned to manage heightened states of nervous system activation (which often lead to an addictive behavior to avoid unpleasant internal sensation and emotion) and developed an intimate, sacred relationship with my emotions. I learned how to honor my emotions as sacred messengers and embrace their arrival as a portal to my soul’s true expression, instead of trying to extinguish them with outside stimulants.
This process taught me an invaluable lesson about wounds – they can break us open or break us apart. Honor your struggles and trust in your emotions. I am not advocating changing your vegetarian diet. But if you are struggling with food in any regard, I’m simply inviting you to look deep within (svadyaya); tell yourself the truth (satya), surrender (ishvarapranidhana) and ask yourself how you might contribute to lessening the suffering and creating more joy in this world. This can be through words, thoughts, behaviors, or even nutrition. As you heal yourself, you begin to heal the world around you. My wish is for you to begin with your beautiful self…
